Episode 15

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Published on:

18th Mar 2025

From Grief to Gratitude: A Daughter's Farewell to Her Father

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From Grief to Gratitude: A Daughter's Farewell to Her Father

Honoring a Father's Legacy: Love, Loss, and Laughter

In this heartfelt episode of Suicide Zen Forgiveness, Elaine Lindsay tackles the complex themes of grief, loss, and memory, reflecting on her father's recent passing at the age of 92.

Through touching anecdotes, she shares his profound influence on her life, from his deep love for her mother to the cherished traditions and humorous moments that defined their family.

Elaine also highlights essential mental health resources, emphasizing the importance of breaking the stigma around suicide and mental health issues. This episode takes a special detour from its usual focus to honour her father's legacy, celebrating a life well-lived and the indelible mark left on those he loved.

00:00 From Grief to Gratitude: A Daughter's Farewell to Her Father

01:29 Introduction and Overview

02:34 Remembering My Father

04:55 A Love Story: My Parents

17:17 Family Traditions and Humour

23:46 Earl the Dead Cat

32:45 Final Reflections and Farewell

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Meet Earl



Transcript
Elaine Lindsay:

Suicide Zen Forgiveness.

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Shattering stigma, igniting hope.

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I'm Elaine Lindsay, and my mission

is to end the silence, the stigma,

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the shame surrounding suicide,

ideation, and mental health.

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We talk about the hard stuff,

because asking for help should

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be as easy as ordering a coffee.

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Here, we share real stories from

those who've lost someone, survived

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an attempt, live with ideation, or

battle mental health challenges.

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Why?

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Because sharing your burden

can lighten the load.

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Please note, Suicide Zen Forgiveness,

the podcast, is for education only.

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Some of the subject matter could be

tutoring for those who are either

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grieving or having mental health problems.

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If you're in North America, you

can text 988 for immediate support.

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And if you're elsewhere, please

reach out to your local suicide

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hotline for mental health service.

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You matter.

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My aim is to normalize the

conversation so you feel safe

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enough to speak up and ask for help.

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So now, let's start the show.

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It's good to be with you once again.

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Normally, this show deals with suicide

loss, ideation, and mental health.

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This show will be a little different.

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It was prompted by death.

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It's going to be about memories,

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not suicide related.

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Not per se.

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It's simply about the

pain and grief of loss.

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Just last week I talked about the grief

train, and I find myself re boarding

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too soon, as even when you know it will

eventually come, it's always too soon.

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Let me start by saying that I honestly

feel I am blessed to have had my father

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until after he had his 92nd birthday.

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I don't think anybody in our

family has ever lived that long.

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See, my dad was diagnosed with dementia

a few weeks before his 90th birthday.

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I feel very blessed about that.

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Just

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a year before, we lost my younger

and only sister in October of:

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Things

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got a bit muddled for my dad,

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in this last year, things

have really changed.

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Dad.

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Now.

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He has such a short term memory

that he often asks a question,

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and before I finish the answer,

he's asking the question again.

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We got to a point where he

would phone a few times a week

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to ask where my mother was.

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My mother died in 2012, and although

deep in dementia, they say it's cruel

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to make people remember, he wasn't

far enough gone for me to lie to him.

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I wanted to maintain the trust that we

had because I absolutely adore my father.

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I have to say, I am somebody

who has absolutely no patience.

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Okay, I know the universe is always

trying to teach me to have patience.

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And the funny thing is, for my dad,

I have all the patience in the world.

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See, he's my hero, and yes, I

know I say that in present tense.

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He was such a good man.

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He adored my mother from

the very day he met her.

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My sister and I grew up watching

this incredible love affair.

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And we saw all the good things.

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That a man can do and say

for the love of his life.

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Sometimes people say, children will

cement a marriage and they need the

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children to keep things together.

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We weren't needed.

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We were a bonus and felt very loved.

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Yet, we saw every single day

this incredible love affair.

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My mom and my dad,

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and it made a great impression, but

sadly, for my sister and I, it meant that

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we had insanely high expectations for

anybody we went into a relationship with.

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Dad wrote poetry to my mom.

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He bought her gifts for

every and any occasion,

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and he was sent off to Aden, Saudi Arabia.

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Two weeks after they met.

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He wrote to my mother

every day for 13 months.

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When he returned, they

began to plan their wedding.

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And when I was only a few

years old, my father and mother

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chose to emigrate to Canada.

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Now, I just have to say here, for

the record, Nobody consulted me, and

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some of me is still a bit miffed.

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See, my heart will

forever be in Edinburgh.

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My parents, they gave up all

their material belongings.

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Instead, using those funds to bring

my gran and my aunt with us to Canada.

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Because the one thing I've been

taught my whole life is family

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is the most important thing.

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My whole life was lived by that principle.

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It meant that my father,

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when he got older, had only one wish, and

he repeated it a lot after my mom died.

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He would stay in the house he and my

mother had bought, and he was only

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leaving, in his words, boots up.

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My job, as the now only

child, was to honor that wish.

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Whatever it took.

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And I am proud to say that's exactly

what I did with the help of my

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husband and my son and my nephew.

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Now,

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we are in stasis.

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Several factors have come into

play that require time and waiting.

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And I must also honour this

lack of forward motion.

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This is how I'll honour

my father while we wait.

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I am not good at waiting.

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Not for much, and it seems I pass

that on to my daughter and her kids.

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Not wanting to wait for holidays,

birthdays, Christmas, etc.

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It's taken to the extreme.

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One year, she had us celebrate

Christmas on December 3rd.

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But I digress.

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My father died on Sunday, March the 9th.

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In the wee hours of the morning,

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being the only child left, and it feels

so weird to call myself a child, I'm

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69 years old, yet that is the fact.

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I am the only child.

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We spent the day from that morning,

hubby and I, mostly waiting.

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First, waiting for the doctor.

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to call back so he could

come and pronounce my dad.

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The doctor was with the palliative

care team and could not have

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been a nicer human being.

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We were also waiting for the priest.

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My father converted to

Catholicism in:

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Not as people presumed in order to

marry my Scots Irish Catholic mother.

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He actually converted because he wanted

to become a Catholic since he was a boy.

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My gran, his mum, was Catholic.

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But she married my Church

of Scotland granddad.

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And I don't know if she ever

got to practice religion openly.

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My grandfather, I learned later

in life, was banished from the

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family home for this offense.

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Religion to this day is, can

be, still a great divide.

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Now my father is the

epitome of a model Catholic.

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They say that sometimes happens

with people who convert.

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When my father and mother returned

to Ottawa at the end of the 70s, they

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had been posted to London, England.

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They settled in East End

in a place called Orleans.

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The new development area didn't have a

parish of their own, not an English one,

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and my father joined the committee that

built the church and the school in what

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was now called New Divine Infant Parish.

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One of the most important things

to my dad was that he found it

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essential that he get last rites.

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That was why we waited for the priest.

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I have to tell you, waiting's

such a thing with me.

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In 2012, when my mom died, it was

very sudden, and we were not ready.

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And I ended up, because it was so

important to my father that my mom get

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last rites, I actually sent two people

to the church to kidnap a priest.

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That's a story for another day.

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Waiting, again, we were waiting for the

funeral home to come and pick up my dad.

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The

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young men that came, eventually,

were very kind and considerate, and

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one of them saw a Legion photo and

asked if my father was military.

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When we told them yes, they made a point

of going out to get a Canadian flag

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and his stretcher was draped with the

flag on the trip to the funeral home.

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Which has become now for

us a marathon of waiting.

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I was also waiting for a

return message from my nephew.

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He was on vacation with

his family in Mexico.

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I told him to go, but I was loathe

to contact him as I didn't want

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to interrupt their vacation.

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I didn't want to leave my nephew,

his wife, and their young teens

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with a lasting dread of happy times.

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I wanted to give them the joy

of vacation and wait to break

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the news until they came back.

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There was nothing that they could do.

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that couldn't wait until

the following weekend.

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Sadly, my son didn't wait.

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He and my nephew had already

discussed this possibility.

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And as this wasn't the first time

we lost someone in the family, while

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one or both of them were unavailable,

my son called and told him.

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Time seemed to stand still.

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When I spoke with my nephew, we agreed

that he wasn't going to tell the kids.

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Until they returned,

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which was only a week away.

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Better for them to enjoy their vacation

and not associate it with the loss

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of their darling great grandfather.

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All the grandkids called him GGD.

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Time seemed to stand still

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while we waited.

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We left my dad's finally to come

back to our home at 8 in the evening.

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We basically came home to wait.

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While waiting, I started to go through

the photos, and I brought home the one

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pet of whom my father was very proud.

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I'm really excited, actually,

to introduce you to Earl.

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Earl is my dad's cat.

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Now, Earl came into our lives in 1985.

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In fact, I bought him for my dad.

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for Christmas.

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He's dead.

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I'm talking about Earl.

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Earl is the dead cat.

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Earl actually came with papers.

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He came with an information booklet

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and a death certificate.

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Now I realize in all good conscience, I

can't leave that sentence hanging here.

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Yet, let me go back to the beginning

and explain things a little bit.

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Our family has a long history of giving

odd gifts, gags, and always going for

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the laugh, the punny line, the old joke,

beating the horse long after it's gone.

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It actually started with my Aunt Kathleen.

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She was my godmother.

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And she often said, when I was a

kid, that I would turn into an olive.

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Because I was forever in

the fridge grabbing olives.

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By age seven, I would get a jar of

olives in my stocking every Christmas.

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My father would get a magazine

that we weren't allowed to look at.

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And it was tsk tsked by the other adults.

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And they were always laughing in

kind of a weirdly embarrassed way.

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My father always looked

totally embarrassed.

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But it was all in good fun, and my

mom would get some odd frilly oven

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gloves or a spatula with eyeglasses

or some other such nonsense.

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And it was just good, clean fun.

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By the time I was 12, I

wanted in on the action.

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From a mink stole made for

a Barbie, to silly hats, odd

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socks, kinds of weird things.

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A number of years, the little

silly gifts and olives continued.

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In March of 1976, I was already

married and out of the house.

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And my father was sent off on

a peacekeeping mission in Gaza.

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I had my accident.

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And my poor father had to wait by

the ham radio for three full days.

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As they promised, the minute

I died, they'd put him on

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a transport back to Canada.

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I can't imagine having to wait,

but I was no longer Dependent.

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And that's how they do it in the military.

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Later that year, when my father finished

his tours, he was transferred to London,

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England, where he, my mom, and my sister

stayed for more than three Christmases.

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We spent them apart.

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We fell off the joke wagon.

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That is, until they came back to Canada.

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Late in 1979.

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Only two weeks after they came back.

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My godmother, aunt Kathleen,

my mother's only sister, died

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on holiday in Pennsylvania.

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My father immediately got on a

plane to repatriate her body and

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returned my grandmother to Canada.

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My mother was totally devastated

for Christmas that year.

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I decided to restart the goofy gift

tradition, to try and cheer up my mom.

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Although I don't know how much it would

cheer up my mother, I don't know that she

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ever really loved the silly gift thing.

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My father, who of course adored

my mother, and worked each

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day to try and make her happy.

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I guess he, too, thought the

tradition required reinstatement.

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I got olives in my stocking.

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Thank you, Dad.

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And that was the year I bought

my parents a 39 foot yacht.

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Now, I didn't win the lottery.

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Think of a little plastic yacht,

about 10 inches long, and it had

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39 plastic bare feet underneath.

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I thought it hilarious.

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Actually, the whole family did.

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I had always said I wanted to, do

things for the family, and this was

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my idea of a joke about doing things.

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For the next few years, I mixed it up.

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One year, my mother and father came

home from a summer vacation to a

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full cemetery in the front yard.

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I had made headstones painted

cardboard, and They said things

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like, Here lies dear old Fred.

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A great big rock fell on his head.

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There was one that said, R.

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I.

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P.

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Old Ma Walker.

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Non stop talker.

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Ran out of breath.

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Talked herself to death.

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Another was, Here lies Johnny Yeast.

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Pardon me for not rising.

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I still think they're funny.

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And my fave was Pastor Prime.

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Now,

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a couple years later, after an

incident with my brother in law

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and peas, I absolutely hate peas.

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I thought my mother or father

had put one on my plate.

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And when my mother finally

sat down to dinner with the

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rest of us, I threw it at her.

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Yeah, I know that's not a really

adult thing to do, but I am who I am.

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We finally worked it out.

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And next Christmas, guess what?

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Can of peas in my stocking.

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Still got my olives, though.

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Which was great.

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I think by now you get the bent of where

we are on the weird humor spectrum.

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So let's get back to Earl.

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My father grew up in a rather

poor area of Edinburgh.

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It was called Lower View Craig Row.

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Now, not the posh area.

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Not glamorous.

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It was actually known as the slums,

in an area known as the dummy dykes,

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and it was near Hollywood Palace,

and the park, Hollywood Park.

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There were cats.

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Lots of people had cats.

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They were the working

kind, they weren't pets.

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And my whole life, my father never

understood anybody having a pet cat.

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He believed they were working animals

that kept the vermin population down.

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Ew.

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In all honesty, we didn't

have vermin here in Canada.

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And I so very much wanted

a pet when I was a kid.

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In my mid teens, I did

finally get a rabbit.

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My dad really liked him.

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He was smart and he came

when you called him.

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But it's not the same.

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Anyway,

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I

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was finished all my shopping, pretty much.

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And I was in an area downtown

that's called the Byward Market.

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Back when we first came to Canada, it was

a lovely bustling little outdoor market.

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There were butchers and bakers

and utilitarian clothiers And

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a few bars and lots of stalls

selling fruit and vegetables and,

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in the spring, fresh maple syrup.

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They had all forms, from little

shaped houses made of boiled syrup

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to jugs of the sweet amber liquid.

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Funny thing is, I never

really liked the maple flavor.

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Although getting a tiny sheep

that was sweet, that you could

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just suck on all day was neat.

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In my 20s, the Byward Market had

lots of lovely boutiques, little

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boutiques and specialty shops along

the streets on the outside of the

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main area where the market mall.

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Or the market stalls were.

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And one of those little boutiques

was a place called the Pepper Pot.

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So I was with a couple of

friends and basically finished

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with my Christmas shopping.

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We were just wandering through some of

the boutiques when I spied this flat,

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splayed out form of the most amazing

And best, in my mind, gag gift ever.

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This was Earl.

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He had papers attached that

said, Earl, the dead cat.

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And on the papers, there was a tagline

that said, The last cat you'll ever need.

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He just screamed a present for my dad.

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He came with an actual Death Certificate.

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It says, Certificate of Death, Keddieville

Department of Health, Division of

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Vital Records and Health Statistics.

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And his is Certificate Number 429.

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His full name of the deceased,

it says, is Earl the Dead Cat.

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Sex is neutered.

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It says his race is gray,

date of death was August 13th,

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1985, and his age was unknown.

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Name of the hospital of death, I don't

think I've ever seen that before.

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It's the Kittyville Cat

Clinic, all spelt with K's.

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And the name of father of deceased

is Horace, in brackets, Alley Cat.

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His birthplace is in

the Catskill Mountain.

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Mother's maiden name is Martha

Manx and his usual occupation

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is itinerant caterwaller.

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The kind of business he was

into was alley entertainment.

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And the source of information on the death

certificate came from Cornelius Calico.

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And then it says, cause

of death, immediate cause.

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loss of ninth life due to catatonia and

due to that was due to catting around

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other significant conditions

contributing to death.

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being let out of the bag.

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Describe how injury

relating to death occurred.

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He said he was catapulted

from catwalk by projectile.

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In brackets, old shoe.

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Injury occurred while

singing melon catty baby.

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And the place of injury was Katrina's

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Alley Café.

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Place of removal, Eternal Catnap

Memorial Chapel and Chinese Takeout.

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Remember, this was 1985, not

necessarily politically correct.

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To the best of my knowledge,

death occurred at 2 AM, it says.

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And the signature of attending

physician is mad dog.

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This was certified by

the city of Kittyville.

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Somebody put a lot of thought

into the certificate of death.

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And On the rest of the little

paperwork that came with him, there is,

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it's not a poem, it's just a lot

of little, what the cat does,

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rather, what the cat doesn't do.

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He doesn't eat smelly cat food, he

doesn't need a messy litter box, he

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doesn't shed, go into heat, or chase

cats that are, He doesn't wander

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off, so you always know where he is.

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He doesn't have to be put out

at night or let back in at 4.

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32am.

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Doesn't climb the draperies or mistake

the sofa for a scratching post.

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There's a whole bunch of other ones

that I will make sure are below with the

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transcripts, cause they're pretty funny.

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The whole thing was just Such a total gag.

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Now, bear with me here, because

I was excited for my dad to

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get this and find it funny.

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Never in my wildest dreams did

I think that Earl would live a

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better life than some people.

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Earl is very well traveled.

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Earl has been to Mallorca.

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He's been to London, Edinburgh,

California, Florida, Victoria and

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Vancouver, not to mention Calgary,

Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, and a

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number of other northern states.

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He's been to Germany as

well, and we believe France.

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And here we are now in 2025, and

it is truly the end of an era.

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All of the parents, In my parents,

or all of the people in my parents

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group, many of them were Scottish.

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Many of them became family of

choice because we didn't have

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a lot of family here in Canada.

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But we call them the party people.

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They love to sing and dance and

play all kinds of silly games.

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They've all passed.

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My father was the last.

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All

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I have left is Earl.

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He's gonna hang around our house

on the hearth near the fireplace,

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ready to inspire a story for

the next guest who visits.

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He's ready to gift me with another

stroll down memory lane with all

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the chuckles, the giggles, and the

additional stories that seem to pop up

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when Earl is the center of attention.

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Daddy, you may be gone.

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Yet your spirit, your sense of fun,

and that bent sense of humor, I

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too possess, and it will live on,

keeping you ever with me in my heart.

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I thank you for listening to me today,

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and I will of course be taking Earl

with us when we bury my father.

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He'll be going with a military send off.

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He was in both the RAF and the RCAF,

and also a United Nations peacekeeper.

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A piece of my heart will

go with him as well.

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I just want to say thank

you for being my dad.

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Thank you for showing me what it is.

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To live life well,

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and what fun is,

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and how to make sure

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that there's always laughter in

your house, and love in your heart.

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And I have to say, I feel incredibly

blessed to have you as my dad.

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I appreciate you being here today.

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And I want to say, as usual,

thank you for listening, and may

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you make the most of your today,

every day, and I look forward to

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chatting with you again next week.

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Bye for now.

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Voiceover: Thank you for being

here for another inspiring episode

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:

of Suicide Zen Forgiveness.

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We appreciate you tuning in.

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Please subscribe and download on your

favorite service and check out SZF's

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YouTube channel or Facebook community.

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If you have the chance to leave

a five star rating or review,

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it'd be greatly appreciated.

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Please refer this to a friend you

know who may benefit from the hope

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and inspiration from our guests.

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Suicide Zen Forgiveness was brought

to you by the following sponsors.

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TROOL Social Media, the digital

integration specialists.

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Let them get you rockin page

one in the search results.

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Canada's Keynote Humorist, Judy Croon

Motivational speaker, comedian, author,

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and stand up coach at Second City.

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Judy has been involved for over

a decade in the City Street

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Outreach Program in Toronto.

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Elaine Lindsay: The

Ultimate Podcasting Pack.

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This is great for you if you're

just starting your podcast, or if

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you've been running it for a while.

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It's filled with tools, templates,

and trainings for starting, growing,

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and monetizing your podcast.

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Get access to time saving systems

and strategies for accelerating

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your process at each step.

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Find new connections and collaborations

in the uplifting podcasting community.

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I look forward to seeing you there.

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Voiceover: Do you have a story to share?

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Do you know someone you

think would be a great guest?

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Please go to SZF42.

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com and for our American

listeners, that's SZF42.

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com.

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Thank you for listening and

we hope to see you again.

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Show artwork for Suicide Zen Forgiveness Stories re Suicide Loss | Ideation | Mental Health | Offering Hope |Empathy for All

About the Podcast

Suicide Zen Forgiveness Stories re Suicide Loss | Ideation | Mental Health | Offering Hope |Empathy for All
Shattering Stigma Igniting Hope
Adding empathy and offering hope to end the silence, stigma, and shame. ~Elaine Lindsay©2021

Come along on the transformative journey of ’Suicide Zen Forgiveness,’ where host Elaine Lindsay, a suicide loss survivor and advocate, invites listeners to break the silence about mental health struggles. Elaine wants to remove the shame felt by all who are touched by suicide loss, ideation and mental health. With over 50 years of personal experience, Elaine offers candid conversations, heartfelt stories, and practical insights aimed at ending the stigma and offering hope. Each episode explores themes of resilience, gratitude, and growth, encouraging listeners to navigate life’s challenges with bravery and compassion. Tune in for a blend of wisdom, authenticity, and unwavering support on a group journey of healing, hope, and understanding.

About your host

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Elaine Lindsay