Riding the Grief Train: A Path to Resilience
Explicit9 14 Riding the Grief Train: A Path to Resilience ©2025-2018 Elaine Lindsay SZF42.com All rights reserved.
Understanding and Navigating the Journey of Grief
Elaine Lindsay, host of the Suicide Zen Forgiveness podcast, introduces the mission to end the silence, stigma, and shame surrounding suicide loss, ideation, and mental health. She shares her personal experience with grief and introduces the concept of the 'grief train,' exploring how grief is a lifelong journey. Elaine explains multiple grief models and emphasizes that grief is a unique, non-linear process. Listeners are urged to seek support and embrace their feelings while avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms. The episode concludes with the announcement of a 'Say Their Name' wall to honor lost loved ones.
00:00 Introduction and Mission Statement
00:19 Welcome to Suicide Zen Forgiveness
00:57 Trigger Warning and Support Resources
01:20 Personal Reflections on Grief
03:21 The Grief Train: A Personal Story
04:14 Understanding the Stages of Grief
06:40 Exploring Different Grief Models
13:09 The Importance of Seeking Support
15:50 What Not to Do When Grieving
24:50 Rights of Those Grieving
29:00 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
30:05 Closing Remarks and Sponsor Acknowledgements
Transcript
Elaine Lindsay @TheDarkPollyanna: My
mission is to end the silence, the
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:stigma, and the shame about suicide
loss, ideation, and mental health.
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:Please.
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:Won't you join me?
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:Welcome to Suicide Zen Forgiveness,
a podcast that shares powerful
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:stories of suicide loss, ideation,
and mental health in order to break
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:the silence, stigma, and shame.
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:Our mission is to encourage empathy for
those experiencing these challenges.
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:Every narrative serves as a beacon of hope
on a touch lives and inspire resilience.
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:Won't you join me in this journey as we
share stories to help others to find hope.
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:Please note this podcast is
for educational purposes and
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:may contain triggering content.
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:If you're grieving or experiencing
mental health issues, Please reach
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:out to your local suicide hotline or
mental health office for immediate help.
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:And now, let's start the show.
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:Hello there.
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:It's good to be back.
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:And today, this is going to be fun.
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:Just you and I.
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:We're going to talk about, some of
the lessons I have learned over time.
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:And one of the things that I think,
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:something that came to me When I was
commenting on something on social media
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:for someone else who had lost someone.
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:And I wanted to offer a little
hope in perhaps a different way.
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:Because there are so many Oh,
different things out there.
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:I will give you the sources
later for all the different
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:what they call stages of grief.
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:And there are a lot of psychologists
and different people who have put
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:together a framework for grief.
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:And I think they, they
definitely all have merit.
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:Yet, there's something about
grief, to me, there is a deep
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:permanence, and I think it's really,
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:it's really hard to look at it, for
me anyway, as a stationary thing, as
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:something that, I don't know, is just
there, because I think there's a lot more
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:to it, and that's why I came up with.
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:The grief train,
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:and I'm just going to read you what
I wrote and then I'll give you some
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:Insight into some of the other modalities
or models that people talk about When
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:they talk about grief, but I'm going
to start with my story of the grief
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:train it's never easy when you find
yourself on the grief train, even
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:though you may be traveling with family.
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:Each one of you on the journey is touched
by the aloneness of the experience.
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:We all feel and react to
grief in different ways.
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:They say the stages of grief
they're commonly described as five,
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:sometimes seven distinct phases.
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:The five are denial, anger,
bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
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:And these stages, they say, can
manifest in various ways and don't
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:necessarily occur in a linear order.
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:I think sometimes you go back
two stages more than once.
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:But I believe once you get on board
the train, you are there for life.
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:Now, over time, Many of us make our way
to different cars on the grief train.
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:We meet others.
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:We learn.
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:We share their stories and our own.
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:And we try to offer solace as best we can.
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:Some of us go back to
revisit where we boarded.
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:Some of us, it's more than once.
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:And I have to say that the grief
drain has been part of my life for
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:over 50 years, and in that time,
I've had to re board too many times.
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:Andrea, Holly, Brian,
Peter, Margaret, Emma.
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:I say their names in tribute, keeping
each memory alive in my heart.
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:Those are not the only names I hold.
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:I hope for you that the grief train
doesn't arrive till way late in the game.
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:But I want you to know that I'll be there.
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:A friendly face.
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:So you don't have to feel so alone.
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:It's just a short little article, but
I found it interesting researching
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:into the different models.
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:I knew about the Kubler Ross model.
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:I think it's the one everybody knows.
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:And as much as they talk about
five stages, The full Kubler Ross
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:model describes seven stages of
grief in that grieving process.
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:They include shock, denial,
anger, bargaining, depression,
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:testing, and acceptance.
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:When they cut it down to the
five, it's simply denial, anger,
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:bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
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:Leaving out shock and testing while
this model is wildly, excuse me,
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:widely recognized, it's important
to understand that grief is a
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:complex and personal experience.
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:And not everybody's going to
experience the stages in the
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:same way, in the same order.
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:And some people may not even
experience all of the stages.
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:Some people might get stuck.
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:Others may experience them
in a totally different order.
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:And additionally, some people
may experience other emotions.
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:that aren't included in the Kupler Ross
model, such as guilt, shame, loneliness.
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:I know for me guilt
and shame is a big one.
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:It comes with growing up
Scots, Irish, and Catholic.
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:Now the other models of grief
include what's known as Bowlby
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:and Parkes, four phases of grief.
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:It considers that there are four
phases of grief, shock and disbelief,
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:searching and yearning, Disorganization
and repair and rebuilding and healing.
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:To me, that's really h
but on not bbe parks.
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:It's their model.
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:We'll let them have it.
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:The TEAR or clear model, it focuses
on the tasks of mourning, which
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:includes accepting the reality of
the loss, experiencing the pain
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:of grief, adjusting to the new
environment without the deceased.
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:and reinvesting in a new reality.
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:I can say from experience that I did not
adjust to the new environment without
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:the deceased for a very long time, nor
did I truly reinvest in a new reality.
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:That came decades later.
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:The next one is Rando's
6R process of mourning.
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:The woman's name was, I believe, Teresa
Randall, and this model describes six
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:processes of mourning, recognizing
the loss, reacting to the separation,
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:recollecting and re experiencing
the deceased, relinquishing old
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:attachments, Readjusting to the new
world and reinvesting emotional energy.
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:Then we have Warden's Tasks of Mourning.
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:This was developed by J.
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:William Warden.
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:It outlines four tasks that individuals
must work through to heal from grief.
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:Accept the reality of the loss.
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:Process the pain of grief.
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:Adjust to a world without the deceased.
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:For and find an enduring connection with
the disease while embarking on a new life.
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:Then we have the dual process model.
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:This was proposed by Margaret Strobe
and Hank Schutt, and this model
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:suggests that grieving involves a
balance between two types of stress.
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:That would be loss oriented, dealing with
the emotions associated with the loss, and
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:restoration oriented, which is focusing
on adjusting to life after the loss.
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:This model emphasizes the idea that
grieving can involve oscillating
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:between these two aspects.
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:Which we absolutely know is true.
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:And finally, is something
called the attachment theory.
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:And this approach focuses on the role
of attachment in the grieving process.
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:Suggesting that the way one
attaches to loved ones influences
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:how they experience grief.
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:Having said all that, I think
they're all very much the same.
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:It's going through some of
the emotions that we all have.
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:In order to process what has happened and
then making the choice to go on, which
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:I think is really important and humans
are better off when we have, or we know
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:of a process to work through something
it's it's, I think, a part of our makeup.
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:We like things to have
some kind of structure.
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:But it's super important to remember
that there is no one right way to grieve.
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:You don't have to fall under
any and or all of the models.
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:The grieving process is
unique to each individual.
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:And it's really important to
allow yourself to feel whatever
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:emotions you're feeling.
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:If you're struggling with grief,
it's important to seek support from
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:friends, family, or a therapist.
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:And as someone who did it all wrong
from the very beginning, I can say that
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:last sentence is critically important.
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:Seek support.
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:Friends, family, neighbors,
a therapist, two therapists.
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:Get out there and talk with someone,
find somebody who will listen
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:because listening is super important.
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:And we all have these beliefs
that we found as we grew up.
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:And we are painted by.
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:The experiences we have, we are,
molded by the things we see and do
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:and go through, and that can be both
a boon and incredibly detrimental.
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:And I really love the fact that
we talk about these things now.
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:And it's why I wrote the short little
paragraph or two on the grief train.
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:Because when we put something into a
story form, we remember it better and
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:we can sometimes break it down better so
that we can digest what we're being told.
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:Now the last few things I wanted to
touch on from all the information
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:and research I looked up was,
ah, the things that we should.
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:Not do, okay.
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:When we're grieving the death of
somebody you love, you're going through
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:a difficult time and you need to embrace
your feelings of grief, but in healthy
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:ways so that in your own time you can
move forward with hope and healing.
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:That's like going through the
cars on that grief train and
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:making your way down the line.
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:Maybe going back a few times.
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:Which is absolutely fine, but it
has to be all in your good time.
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:What absolutely not to do
when you're grieving, is allow
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:yourself to live in the past.
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:Okay, idealizing the person or
your previous situation doesn't
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:do anything for you or for them.
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:We cannot change the past.
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:We can change how we look at it
from this perspective, but it
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:doesn't in fact change the past.
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:You really can't refuse to make the
necessary changes to move forward.
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:That will get you nowhere.
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:I speak as one who went
nowhere for a very long time.
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:Dwelling in self pity is another one.
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:Oh, woe is me, poor me,
why am I left behind?
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:One of the things that I find very sad
in a death of someone you love, no matter
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:how it happens, whether it's a surprise or
whether someone's been ill for a very long
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:time, we have to be honest with ourselves.
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:As humans, we are grieving.
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:The fact that we've been left behind,
we're grieving that they left us.
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:Yes, we're heartbroken very often in
losing our someone, be that family,
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:friend, sibling, child, spouse, whatever.
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:But mostly, The pain
comes from being left.
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:No one ever likes to be left,
whether it's for a day, an hour.
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:It's much harder when it's
the rest of your life.
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:Something that people don't think about,
and I'm not going to dwell on this here,
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:but don't lose respect for your own body,
meaning you have to take care of yourself.
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:Self care is important.
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:We cannot help others.
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:We cannot go forward unless
we take care of ourself.
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:Now, remaining withdrawn or
running away from your feelings,
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:I'm the prime candidate here.
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:I can tell you that does not help.
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:It simply puts you in a very dark hole.
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:That takes a long time to climb out of.
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:And the last thing there is relying
on alcohol and or other drugs.
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:They put you in a funk, they
alter your experience and change
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:how you feel, but what they
don't do is change the situation.
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:You wake up the next day, or you come
down from whatever you got high on, or the
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:drunk wears off, and there you are, left,
feeling even worse, and reliving things.
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:In an even harsher way,
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:we also don't want to maintaining
unrealistic expectations of what
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:friends should offer in comfort
really does no good for you or them.
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:People are often frozen in fear of saying
the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.
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:And as much as it can be numbing to be
stuck in this, what feels eternal grief
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:and loss, it can be hard for you to
put out in words what it is you need.
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:And it's not, the onus is not on you,
yet, without some kind of clarity,
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:neither is it on those around you.
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:You have to walk a fine
line, even in your pain.
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:Don't go the other way, like some
people who get angry and resent
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:their friends that have families
that have not suffered a loss.
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:It becomes very bitter, and
you turn inward, and that's
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:never good in that format.
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:One of the biggest things, I think, that
people need to know is, don't continue
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:to expect yourself to get over it.
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:It's not gonna happen.
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:And that's part of the reason why.
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:I chose the story of a train.
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:You are on this train, and it takes
you where you need to go every day,
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:and you do what you need to do.
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:But at the end of the day,
you're back on the train.
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:There is no getting over it.
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:The pain will change.
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:The cadence of the wheels
on the track will change.
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:And it will become softer.
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:And less intrusive, but it will
always be there, also, don't feel
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:guilty if you have a good day.
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:You're allowed to laugh.
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:Even when we have lost a lot
of people, we can still laugh.
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:We can still find joy.
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:We are still allowed to be happy.
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:Don't deny that to yourself.
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:The only one you're hurting is you.
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:And don't force yourself ahead, don't
cross bridges before you get to them.
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:You want to live in the
moment, and I truly mean that.
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:Take one day at a time.
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:So many programs that help people with
addictions talk about one day at a time.
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:It's a good reason for that.
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:Also, I don't want you
to condemn yourself.
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:No, don't go back to the 16th
century and hair shorts and whips.
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:It's not going to help anyone.
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:Also, don't underestimate yourself.
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:You can choose
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:to be happy, to experience
joy, to go on living.
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:In fact, you can choose to
thrive, not just survive.
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:and you can choose to do it for you.
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:If you have children and you've
lost a spouse, if you have
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:lost your parents or a sibling,
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:and I've done both of those,
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:you have to think how much they
would want you to enjoy your life
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:and think how you're letting them
down if you ignore that part of your
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:life because it's important for you.
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:to live the very best life
you can, as best you can.
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:And for those who have lost a significant
relationship or a serious significant
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:other, be very careful and don't get
involved in a serious relationship.
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:until you are good and truly ready.
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:And that will take a lot of introspection.
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:And that's okay.
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:It's okay.
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:Now, I'd like to leave you on this note.
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:As someone Who has suffered a
loss, particularly when we suffer
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:these unimaginable losses when
someone dies by their own hand.
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:You actually have the following rights.
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:I want you to take these to heart.
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:You have the right to your own unique
feelings about the death that occurred.
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:And you absolutely have the
right to talk about your grief.
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:Whenever you feel like talking,
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:you have the right to show your
feelings of grief in your own way
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:and you have the right to need
other people to help you with your
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:grief, especially other adults
around you who care about you.
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:You do have the right to get upset
about normal everyday problems.
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:without guilt.
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:And you have the right to
what they call grief bursts.
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:And it's not up to anyone else to
dictate the length of that grief
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:burst or what you need to do next.
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:And you do have the right
to use your beliefs.
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:about your God to help you deal
with your feelings of grief.
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:You have the right to try and figure
out why the person you love died,
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:but in all honesty, you may never know,
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:and it's not something you may
get an answer to in this reality.
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:You do have the right to think
and talk about your memories
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:of the person who has died.
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:As a matter of fact, I
insist, savor those memories.
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:I use the hashtag, say their name,
because I think it's critically
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:important that we hold them in
our hearts and in our families.
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:Because how they died does not
change that they were loved by us.
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:If you love someone, how
they died is irrelevant.
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:The fact is they are gone and what you
have left are their memories that you can
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:savor and be sure to say their name like
I do with Andrea and Holly and Peter.
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:And Brian and Margaret.
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:And Emma
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:and the rest.
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:Finally, you have the right to
move toward and feel your grief.
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:Over time, you may heal, and over
time you may go backwards a little.
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:And if you want to move into
your grief and refill that grief.
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:that will help you to heal.
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:You can go back to an earlier car on the
grief train and spend a little time with
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:perhaps a newbie who just got on the
train and could use a good listening ear.
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:I'm Elaine Lindsay and I hope
this short video has been useful.
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:If you're listening to the podcast
only, I hope that too has been useful.
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:And we're working on
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:a wall and it's called Say Their Name.
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:We're going to have the wall on
the website and we will be adding
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:the names of those you love.
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:to the wall.
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:More information on that and
how to get the name on the wall,
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:we will be putting up shortly.
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:With that said, I thank
you so much for listening.
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:I'm Elaine Lindsay, the Dark Pollyanna.
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:This is Suicide Zen Forgiveness,
and until next time, make the very
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:best of your today, every day.
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:Bye for now.
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:Voiceover: Thank you for being
here for another inspiring episode
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:of Suicide Zen Forgiveness.
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:We appreciate you tuning in.
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